Failure?

Heath and I are entering a new season. God has made it VERY clear. In APRIL of this year, the Lord told me that in NOVEMBER he would be taking me deeper and Heath would be running. I have had such anticipation of this month of November, 2009! I have tried to prepare my heart and spirit for what He may have for me/us. In September, the Lord told me that October would be a month of battle. And battle it has been. He gave me clear words, clear directives and told me to rally a prayer team that would join us in this battle. It has been brutal and amazing all in the same moments!

One of the things He was clear in was that Heath was to walk in faith and I was to bring His Presence in order to be victorious in this month of battle. The first two weeks were glorious! The last two have been exhausting and I'm so ready for November that I can't even begin to explain it!

One of the other things I felt the Lord ask of me was to fast from certain foods for the month both for the victory, the Presence to increase, and in preparation for going deeper in November. The first two weeks were easy peasy. These last two weeks, all I want to eat is Dr Pepper and chocolate . . . any form will do! I have failed.

So in feeling like a failure, what did I do? Run to the throne room of grace to receive his mercy and grace and help in time of need. Nope. I retreated to the pantry for another Snickers (just a bite)! As I was in worship last night, I realized that I was feeling incredible amounts of condemnation. Did I blow it? Will the breakthrough not happen because I couldn't fast? Will God really take me deeper if I can't even subdue my flesh for 4 weeks? And on and on the railing went.

Finally, I had Heath pray for me and I could sense the Lord's voice again, not the condemnation from the "failure." In His tenderness, Jesus said, "Do you really think that if the breakthrough, victory and privilege of going deeper all hinged on what you could do (keeping a fast) that I'd leave it up to you? Ahhh, no. I have declared what I want to do in you and Heath and I AM going to do it."

"So what about the fast? Why do I always slip into works mentality? Why is it so ingrained in my heart that I have to earn the outpouring of your goodness? Remove that from me, Lord Jesus. I am your daughter. I am your Bride. I am your sister. And I am learning and growing. I may never know what "extra" may have happened if I could've kept the fast. And we will never know what Peter would've experienced differently if he could've actually stayed awake in the Garden of Gethsemane if he would've actually watched and prayed. But, one of my favorite lines in Prince Caspian is when Lucy asked Aslan what would've happened if she would've come to him right away instead of waiting until the others believed that she saw Aslan. Aslan says, "To know what would have happened, child? No, nobody is ever told that. But anyone can find out what will happen."

No matter what, I need to be and can be running boldly into the throne room of grace knowing I will receive a glad welcome every time!" (Eph 3:12) And today, I'm not convinced that my inability to keep the fast was failure. I don't know why He asked me to keep it, though I have some ideas. But I DO know that He knew before He asked me that I would fall short. And I am now convinced that I didn't fail. At least I didn't fail in God's eyes. I have a feeling I'll be back around at this lesson. But for now, I'm just basking in God's goodness, his coming victory and the anticipation of going deeper that DOESN'T depend on me but on His ability to work these out in our lives! THANK YOU, JESUS!