Very Personal Part of My Journey

I have journaled faithfully since high school. Occasionally, on a day of rest and reflection, I will take my journals of the last few years and read through them. Last June, I had two days by myself and I read. I'm going to copy a section out of my journal from that day because it has great significance upon our Leap Year.

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June 21, 2009
"A couple things keep going through my mind as I think about all that I wrote in previous years and all that You have said. I am sad about some reoccurring issues that I continue to battle with over the years even though You continue to lovingly, patiently, speak truth and life into the areas. I have obviously not fully embraced in my thinking and actions the words of life and truth You speak to me. I know You have so much in store for me and my marriage and my family. I am tired of reading the record of my doubt and despair in the face of Your faithful promises and beautiful, available Holy Spirit. I vow before You now, to BELIEVE, EMBRACE, and LIVE OUT the truths You have spoken to me over and over concerning these 3 particular areas of my life. I have wasted too much time on obsessing, worrying, planning, fearing, flogging myself, etc. NO MORE! The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy, but YOU have come to give LIFE ABUNDANTLY.
[The 3 areas are my self image, my parenting struggles, and faith in God's provision. Today I am only going to record the resolve connected to God's provision since it directly correlates with our Leap Year. Maybe I will post the other 2 resolutions another time. I know I'm not alone in these battles.]

3. PROVISION. I wonder how many times I have to be in that place of need and then You miraculously provide before I truly own the TRUTH that YOU PROVIDE ALL MY NEEDS according to Your riches in glory! I am so tired of reading of my double-mindedness. I am tired of reading the record of my doubt and fear when we are being stretched. I have SEVENTEEN YEARS of testimony after testimony of how You have provided time and time again. Yet, it seems that still-when I am at the wall, I cower in fear, not stand in great expectation of what You will do! Oh Jesus, I repent for my unbelief. I repent for living as a fearful beggar outside the palace walls rather than living as Your bride in my chamber. I repent of living in fear of You forgetting us or leaving us when all You ever do proves over and over how much you love us and LOVE to provide for us! I choose, this day forward, to walk confidently in the knowledge of Your provision that is always at hand to be delivered to us in the right moment. Thank you, Abba.

So I guess ultimately, I am choosing to walk in the opposite direction of fear and anxiety for these 3 issues that seem to keep me living in some state of fear or anxiety or tension constantly. I relinquish it and CHOOSE LIFE. I choose peace, I choose believing YOUR WORDS and YOU! I love You!"

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As for how this relates to the now? Well, on my day of rest and reflecting this past Sunday, I reread this resolve and was convicted to the core! Not too many posts ago, I was at the wall and cowering once again. NO MORE! You know the rolling boil that I wrote about? Well, I turned the heat off. I'm not boiling anymore. I am CHOOSING TO BELIEVE that God is going to come through and meet all our needs. I can't tell you the peace and joy that has come since Sunday and being reminded of this resolution. I BELIEVE GOD IS GOING TO PROVIDE FOR US! I DO! Maybe tomorrow I will struggle, but someone please remind me of this resolve when I do! I KNOW what God has spoken to us. I spent SEVEN HOURS on Sunday transcribing His words to our family from the last 6 months! I KNOW what He is saying to us! Now I choose to EMBRACE IT and take the action steps to prove it. Here we go God! There's nothing better than believing You!