I posted lasted night that the grieving has begun. As I sat in a puddle of tears in our quiet, peaceful home surrounded by night sounds of the country, I remembered. I remembered moving in. I remembered two years of highlights with the kids' birthdays and holidays with friends and family. I remembered many things.
And as I sat with Jesus' holding me close to his heart, I heard his heart beating for Asher. My tender, relational Asher. I've seen him enter a new stage of behavioral problems in the last month. At first I was passing it off as turning 5. Then I was passing it off on allergies and sickness that hit us. The last several days though, I've been wondering if it was about the move. Last night Jesus told me it was. So the grieving has begun for us all. And the thing about being a mom is that you don't get to grieve in solitude. You have the honor and challenge of leading all your little ones through healthy grieving and goodbyes. It a task not for the weak to be sure.
Today I have Asher and Ella all to myself. I love these times when I can focus on them as individuals rather than trying to corral the posse! The three of us snuggled on the couch at 6:30 AM (after the spilt milk and cereal was cleaned up, of course) and watched a cartoon. It happened to be a saddish cartoon. Somewhere in the middle, when the little puppy was missing his family, I could see Asher's eyes tearing up. Perfect opportunity to go deeper.
I gently probed about his feelings concerning the movie and then about moving.
"Are you sad about moving to another place?"
"Um hmm."
"What are you going to miss?"
"The Georges and Kelly." And the tears were rolling . . . for us both. It was a good cry, a good snuggle, and a good connection.
After a month of wanting move his room out to the barn, his behavior is back to my sweet, funny Asher. Giving myself permission to grieve allows me to give my children permission to grieve and to go through the process with them as much as they need me to (when I'm aware).
Oh and in case you're afraid our house will be under water from all the tears by the end of the next 3 months, not to worry. We don't cry ALL the time. Just when we feel it bubbling up to the surface. There will be happy remembering moments mixed in with the tears.
If you think of us, please pray for Jesus' arms to be tangible for us through this time.
2 comments:
Oh, I'm praying, my friend. I remember grieving. Fortunately, I remember mostly how incredibly close Jesus was for me during that time of preparing for the "big leave". I can totally relate.
You are a good mom, Em. Keep lovin' your kids and give yourself much grace during this time. I love you. Give sweet Asher (and the rest of the kids) a big squeeze from all of us up here.
You are a great Mom! Beautiful post.
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