I've kept away from personal posts lately, not really on purpose. I realized this as I skimmed my recent posts. Some of it has been purely busyness, parenting, potty training troubles, and Easter preparations. And some of it has been because my heart is in transition.
It's incredible that I have forgotten how transition feels after having so many throughout our short 11 1/2 years of marriage. It's all coming back to me like a flood. Grieving. I have never lost a loved one, so I'm not speaking of grieving like that.
Early on in our journey I realized a few things about myself in transition. Whether it was preparing for the birth of a child, moving to a new apartment, moving from a beloved job, moving into strangers' home, moving out of dear friends' home, moving to Africa, coming home from Africa to no "home" of our own, or landing in Strathmore, California, these all created deep and lonely times of grieving. But through it all, I have learned that if I don't grieve what I'm saying goodbye to, I cannot fully embrace what I'm moving into. And I want to live in the present wherever I am, not in the past trying to hold on to something because I didn't grieve well.
So my grieving has begun. Through all the potty training problems, I didn't realize that part of my emotional tension was partly because the grieving has started. I came to peace with the potty training issue about 3 days ago. It was at that point, I started to feel the sadness of leaving. I know it's 3 months away, but I always start feeling this around this period of time before a major change.
Tears are on the verge even now. Not sure what my posts will look or feel like over the next several months. I will try to give real glimpses into this transition and my heart. This is what I know. I have to grieve. I want to grieve. I want good closure so that I can embrace and enjoy our next season. So dear friends who live close to me, be prepared for tears. And don't stress out about them . . . I'm not. I just need to cry. I just need to feel. I just need a hug. The grieving has begun.
2 comments:
You are such a wise woman.
sniff, sniff. .. I cried through this post and the one about Asher. My heart is grieving for you. You totally seem to be in the right place tho friend, knowing you need to cry and letting it happen. You are, as Jen said, a wise woman! Praying of course. I love to read about all the Locke Adventures, the good and the bad. ;-)
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