Belonging

  driving home. gorgeous river, golden hills, majestic mountains. listening to Fly On by Coldplay. "fly on, fly through, maybe one day I'll fly next to you." following 11 bikers.  big motorbikes.  it was ethereal. the music, the scenery, the belonging of the bikers.
  I've never had any desire to ride a motorcycle through the mountains with a group of people . . . until today.  The feelings I had following them through the hills were stronger than any beautiful feeling I've had in a long time.  And when I tried to pin it down . . . this beautiful feeling. . . I landed on two words: belonging and freedom.
   Belonging: the longing for it can make us do things we don't even believe in; maybe even things we've never wanted to do. . . like ride a motorbike through the mountains.  :) Maybe I will.  Maybe I'll ride a motorcycle with a group of people through the mountains and I'll feel free and I'll feel camaraderie and I'll feel connected to this little group of people riding with me.
  But until then, I belong.  I belong to One who is unseen but felt and experienced and known through believing.  I believe I belong.  I believe I am loved.  I believe I am cared for and intimately connected with the Creator of everything beautiful.  I believe and I belong.  And in belonging, I am free to live and move and have my being in Him and in the beauty of all He's created.  I am free to become all that he has dreamed of me becoming, all that I dream of becoming.  I am free to fly.

Verse of the Day

"Now may the God of Hope fill you with all peace and joy in believing, SO THAT you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."          - Rom. 15:13

This just might be my verse for the year!

HERE WE GO!!!!!!!!!

Disequilabration here we come!  The short story . . . . we are making plans to return to Pemba, Mozambique and Thursday we heard that we are welcome back there.

Long story. . . .It's too long.  Summary, Heath has come to feel that all his business endeavors here have been a mixed priority attempt to make enough passive income to support our desire to serve the poor and needy around the world.  He's done with that struggle and has decided he needs to do what his passions are, what he feels created for, and allow God to be Provider for all our passion and dreams to bring His Kingdom to the ends of the earth.  But let me just make it known. . . I've IMMENSELY enjoyed bringing His Kingdom to the Central Valley in my little sphere of influence these last 5 years.

God has been shaping a desire and dream in Heath to bring small business endeavors to developing nations, working to bring sustainable living help and teaching and provision.  Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.  Teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime.  I wish you could hear Heath talk about all the dreams he has for 3rd world nations, bringing practical answers alongside of the Presence and Power of the Spirit of God.  Both are the Kingdom of God among us.  And Iris Pemba seems to be our best inroad to seeing these dreams come to life.  And. . . they would love to have us back.  And. . . ALL of my kids are excited to go back, which is the biggest miracle to me.

How am I feeling about it all?  I am absolutely ready to go anywhere in the world. . . . except back to Pemba!!!!!  Why?  Because I know what I'm going back to.  There is no blind excitement and adrenaline rush that will carry us across the globe this time.  And I know I didn't manage it well 6 years ago.  Am I a changed enough woman to do it well this time?  Do I know more of God. . . enough of God to be able to walk out my door and not feel like I'm going to be a puddle of overwhelming sadness because I just don't know what my part is in helping fight against this great big, gigantic evil called poverty that ravages these beautiful children and families that I can't even talk to because I can't speak their language?  Can I do this?  I am so desperate for more of Jesus you can't even imagine my desperation right now.  And as I am typing these words the song, Set A Fire by The United Pursuit Band is playing and the tears are flowing.  "I WANT MORE OF YOU GOD!"

Please don't misunderstand my raw emotion.  I KNOW we are supposed to go back.  It's just that until I make new memories and have new experiences, the 6 months I have stored up are full of feelings of failure or at the very least, feelings of inadequacy.  I will still be inadequate.  I will still be emotional.  I will still have very little idea of how to manage the amount of pain and sadness and need that will be right outside my gate.  But I have Jesus.  And He says He is enough.  He is more than enough.  Are You?  Are You really more than enough for every single orphan I will hug?  Are you more than enough for the villages underwater right now?  You are.  I have to believe it.  I have to believe it or I will die.  And I have 5 years of growth and change and experiences of the love of God that I am PRAYING with all my heart is enough to give me the strength to live this next adventure out in wholeness instead of hanging on by the skin of my teeth.  

So there are my raw thoughts after 2 1/2 days of knowing we are moving.  If you want more of a glimpse of the words my heart are singing, The United Pursuit Band has an album called "Endless Years."  Many of the songs are putting words to all my emotion.

It will be a good adventure.  I know it deep in my spirit.  Now I hope my mind will come around! :-)

React or Respond

I'm in a slump.  I'm reacting to life rather than responding from a reservoir of love and peace and joy.  How do I get here?  Not enough dates with my Love.  And why, since the only one to blame is myself?  Because I felt like He asked something of me that I haven't followed through with.  So now I'm feeling like I don't want to hang out cuz He must be disappointed in me.  I'm disappointed in me . . . so of course, He is disappointed in me.

Or maybe He's not and I just need to get over myself and have some Jesus time.  I'm certainly low on the love .  . . just ask the kiddos!  So a date it is. . . . . . tomorrow.  ;-)

Such a Disappointing Mama

  Yesterday afternoon we spent a couple hours zooming around Roller Towne.  Every session we've been to, there are roller races for age groups.  It's funny how few parents get out there to race but guess who does?  I'm not a great skater by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm not falling all over the place either.  The last couple skate days, I managed to take 2nd place and win the kids a small fountain drink.
  Yesterday, there were some hard core mama's skating for the soft drink.  Out of the 4 of us skating, I came in dead last.  Good effort.  No ego crushed. . . until I skated off the rink and saw Ella's droopy face.
  "What's wrong, Ella?  Did you know I was out there racing?"
  " YES!  You LOST Mama!"  She was so disappointed.  :-)
  So begins the first reality of her mama's humanness!

Equilibrium?

We all like to keep our balance. . . physically, emotionally, and spiritually speaking.  But there is a concept I learned in Human Growth and Development class long, long ago that haunts me.  Disequilibration: to put out of equilibrium; unbalance.

In my college class, the professor reiterated again and again how there is greater potential for human growth and development in periods of disequilibration.  YUCK.  That is not happy for any person who wants to grow but clings to their equilibrium with white knuckles.

I've repeatedly found it to be true.  These last 5 years have been about regaining my equilibrium.  And there has been some amazing benefits, growth, and peace in my heart.  As we contemplate a new jump, I feel the rumbling and shaking under my feet.  DISEQUILIBRATION, HERE WE COME!  And this time around, I refuse to go kicking and screaming into the season that will create amazing opportunities for growth and development.  I will embrace my season of disequilibration. . . . at least today I will.  ;-)

Question of the Day

Is all Truth God's Truth?  

This is a much more difficult question than may appear on first glance.  

Enjoy thinking.