Belonging

  driving home. gorgeous river, golden hills, majestic mountains. listening to Fly On by Coldplay. "fly on, fly through, maybe one day I'll fly next to you." following 11 bikers.  big motorbikes.  it was ethereal. the music, the scenery, the belonging of the bikers.
  I've never had any desire to ride a motorcycle through the mountains with a group of people . . . until today.  The feelings I had following them through the hills were stronger than any beautiful feeling I've had in a long time.  And when I tried to pin it down . . . this beautiful feeling. . . I landed on two words: belonging and freedom.
   Belonging: the longing for it can make us do things we don't even believe in; maybe even things we've never wanted to do. . . like ride a motorbike through the mountains.  :) Maybe I will.  Maybe I'll ride a motorcycle with a group of people through the mountains and I'll feel free and I'll feel camaraderie and I'll feel connected to this little group of people riding with me.
  But until then, I belong.  I belong to One who is unseen but felt and experienced and known through believing.  I believe I belong.  I believe I am loved.  I believe I am cared for and intimately connected with the Creator of everything beautiful.  I believe and I belong.  And in belonging, I am free to live and move and have my being in Him and in the beauty of all He's created.  I am free to become all that he has dreamed of me becoming, all that I dream of becoming.  I am free to fly.

HERE WE GO!!!!!!!!!

Disequilabration here we come!  The short story . . . . we are making plans to return to Pemba, Mozambique and Thursday we heard that we are welcome back there.

Long story. . . .It's too long.  Summary, Heath has come to feel that all his business endeavors here have been a mixed priority attempt to make enough passive income to support our desire to serve the poor and needy around the world.  He's done with that struggle and has decided he needs to do what his passions are, what he feels created for, and allow God to be Provider for all our passion and dreams to bring His Kingdom to the ends of the earth.  But let me just make it known. . . I've IMMENSELY enjoyed bringing His Kingdom to the Central Valley in my little sphere of influence these last 5 years.

God has been shaping a desire and dream in Heath to bring small business endeavors to developing nations, working to bring sustainable living help and teaching and provision.  Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.  Teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime.  I wish you could hear Heath talk about all the dreams he has for 3rd world nations, bringing practical answers alongside of the Presence and Power of the Spirit of God.  Both are the Kingdom of God among us.  And Iris Pemba seems to be our best inroad to seeing these dreams come to life.  And. . . they would love to have us back.  And. . . ALL of my kids are excited to go back, which is the biggest miracle to me.

How am I feeling about it all?  I am absolutely ready to go anywhere in the world. . . . except back to Pemba!!!!!  Why?  Because I know what I'm going back to.  There is no blind excitement and adrenaline rush that will carry us across the globe this time.  And I know I didn't manage it well 6 years ago.  Am I a changed enough woman to do it well this time?  Do I know more of God. . . enough of God to be able to walk out my door and not feel like I'm going to be a puddle of overwhelming sadness because I just don't know what my part is in helping fight against this great big, gigantic evil called poverty that ravages these beautiful children and families that I can't even talk to because I can't speak their language?  Can I do this?  I am so desperate for more of Jesus you can't even imagine my desperation right now.  And as I am typing these words the song, Set A Fire by The United Pursuit Band is playing and the tears are flowing.  "I WANT MORE OF YOU GOD!"

Please don't misunderstand my raw emotion.  I KNOW we are supposed to go back.  It's just that until I make new memories and have new experiences, the 6 months I have stored up are full of feelings of failure or at the very least, feelings of inadequacy.  I will still be inadequate.  I will still be emotional.  I will still have very little idea of how to manage the amount of pain and sadness and need that will be right outside my gate.  But I have Jesus.  And He says He is enough.  He is more than enough.  Are You?  Are You really more than enough for every single orphan I will hug?  Are you more than enough for the villages underwater right now?  You are.  I have to believe it.  I have to believe it or I will die.  And I have 5 years of growth and change and experiences of the love of God that I am PRAYING with all my heart is enough to give me the strength to live this next adventure out in wholeness instead of hanging on by the skin of my teeth.  

So there are my raw thoughts after 2 1/2 days of knowing we are moving.  If you want more of a glimpse of the words my heart are singing, The United Pursuit Band has an album called "Endless Years."  Many of the songs are putting words to all my emotion.

It will be a good adventure.  I know it deep in my spirit.  Now I hope my mind will come around! :-)

React or Respond

I'm in a slump.  I'm reacting to life rather than responding from a reservoir of love and peace and joy.  How do I get here?  Not enough dates with my Love.  And why, since the only one to blame is myself?  Because I felt like He asked something of me that I haven't followed through with.  So now I'm feeling like I don't want to hang out cuz He must be disappointed in me.  I'm disappointed in me . . . so of course, He is disappointed in me.

Or maybe He's not and I just need to get over myself and have some Jesus time.  I'm certainly low on the love .  . . just ask the kiddos!  So a date it is. . . . . . tomorrow.  ;-)

Equilibrium?

We all like to keep our balance. . . physically, emotionally, and spiritually speaking.  But there is a concept I learned in Human Growth and Development class long, long ago that haunts me.  Disequilibration: to put out of equilibrium; unbalance.

In my college class, the professor reiterated again and again how there is greater potential for human growth and development in periods of disequilibration.  YUCK.  That is not happy for any person who wants to grow but clings to their equilibrium with white knuckles.

I've repeatedly found it to be true.  These last 5 years have been about regaining my equilibrium.  And there has been some amazing benefits, growth, and peace in my heart.  As we contemplate a new jump, I feel the rumbling and shaking under my feet.  DISEQUILIBRATION, HERE WE COME!  And this time around, I refuse to go kicking and screaming into the season that will create amazing opportunities for growth and development.  I will embrace my season of disequilibration. . . . at least today I will.  ;-)

Loving long term

The older I get, the more convinced I am that Jesus is NOT in a hurry. . . almost ever. . . maybe never.
I've been loving my homeless friends for a couple years now, maybe three. There have been ups and downs in this relationship, often it feels like more downs than ups. But the last two months have been so sweet for me. Laurie has been asking more questions, and we're having more real, deep conversations about Jesus. Today she said, "I used to be afraid of Jesus coming back. But now I'm excited! I know he's gonna forgive me and everything will be right."
ahhhh. Jesus, you're not in a hurry. Teach me to love without timeline or any agenda but your love.

Seeing it differently

I'm reading through the Graham Cooke series "The Way of the Warrior." It has vastly improved my ability to think Jesus thoughts rather than replaying the tapes of discouragement, despair, or negativity. In this endeavor, I have found myself looking at situations differently.
For instance, I had a long day at the school with the kids. I hopped in the van, everyone buckled, turned. . . the. . . key, and . . . . . Hmmm. It wouldn't start. In the not so distant past, I would've immediately thought the worst, totaled up the amount we don't have to fix the van, and been in the "pit of despair" (Princess Bride accent please!).
Instead, I sat there a minute, commanded any little "breakdown demon" to leave and took a deep breath. Standing in the parking lot, just one car away from me, was a beautiful woman dressed in traditional Muslim clothing with her two little boys. I had noticed them out of the corner of my eye when I jumped in the van in a hurry. The thought zipped through my mind to greet her but I didn't. End of thought.
I got out to check the oil (for good measure) while the two little boys eyed me curiously. At that moment, I knew the van problem had NOTHING to do with little breakdown demons or a tune up. I was supposed to introduce myself to this family.
So I did. Nothing earth shattering. She didn't speak much English, but enough to welcome her and introduce myself. I said goodbye, hopped in the van, turned the key . . . and drove away!

Happy Jesus thinking to all of you!

New Seasons

I've entered a new season. My baby is almost 4. That means I have much more time to devote to . . . well . . . to anything other than constant baby/toddler demands. It has been LIBERATING to say the least.
As I have spent time with the Lord, he is challenging me to return to some spiritual disciplines I had to lay down during the season of pregnant/breastfeeding/baby/toddler (which was a DECADE of my life by the way!). Well, it's not that I didn't do these things for 10 years. I just couldn't do them with much structure or consistency!
It has been GOOD saying no to the flesh and embracing some consistent disciplines of meditation, prayer, reading, and fasting. I feel my spirit being strengthened. I am experiencing peace in my person, not just in my circumstances. I feel the negativity in my thinking melting away as I am able to have sustained times of meditating on the Majesty of Jesus. Most of all, my hunger for more of the Lord is increasing. It's a beautiful season with the Lord.
If you're a mom with little ones at home, please don't even consider changing anything that's working for you now. . . different seasons will come. If you're in a place where you have mind and time space, go ahead and consider the spiritual disciplines (if you aren't already). Jesus is totally invigorating!

Books I'm reading:
The Rewards of Fasting by Mike Bickle
The Way of the Warrior Series of 3 books by Graham Cooke
Song of Songs Study with Mike Bickle
Lots of IHOP prayer room music on the side

Life with the Lockes

Life has been good. We finished up school well. I was able to be in a dear friend's wedding at the beginning of June in Texas. The kids and I have spent a fair amount of time at our favorite pool (the Georges!). Prayer meetings are moving and God is amazing! And now we are preparing for a four week trip to Montana.
The kids and I are leaving on the 10th and driving up to Dillon, MT for a few nights. Then on to Great Falls, MT for a few nights with my mom. Then on to Baker, MT for a few nights with my cousin and grandma. Then on to Dayton, WY for two nights with my other grandma. Then on to Great Falls again for a few nights with my dad and then a few nights with a brother. Then Heath will fly up to Great Falls and we'll all drive home spending 4 nights in Yellowstone!
We are all really looking forward to our time there. Please pray for us if you think of it. Though it will be great fun reconnecting with everyone, we will need different graces for each segment of our stays! God is doing amazing things within my immediate family so I'm looking forward to interactions about that with them.
On a personal note, I'm learning so much right now through Mike Bickle's "Omega" series on Revelation and the end times. Also reading "The Rewards of Fasting: Experiencing the Power and Affections of God" by Mike Bickle. Reading through Joyce Meyers book "Battlefield of the Mind" at the recommendation of my mom!! Pretty solid book and it's REALLY helping her find Jesus! Reading through the New Testament and seeing so much "new" stuff that I've missed before! :-) Mostly, my hunger and love for Jesus is increasing and as I read and press in, I simply realize again and again, how desperate I am for more of Him. Jesus answers the hungry cry for more of Him.

Funny Ella: Yesterday morning, I was still lying in bed while Heath was getting Ella cereal at six in the morning! She was instructing him on how mommy does it. Papa responded with, "Well, that's cuz Momma's amazing."
Ella responded with, "Yah, she is amazing." Long pause . . . "Papa, are you amazing?"

Deliverance Update

Just for the record, in case anyone was wondering if I've reached perfection in the area of patience, love and gentleness, I have not! :-) Deliverance has not caused me to be perfect but it has given me the ability to choose. You might laugh or scoff at that, but sincerely, there was so much force behind this struggle that I often felt like I reacted first, only second to think through my choices. And believe me, I worked and worked and worked at consciously CHOOSING to respond in love rather than anger.
I have lost it a couple times since the deliverance. But it doesn't carry the same force, the same magnitude. And it doesn't come with the same level of condemnation and shame. I think it must be how other people without demons of anger must handle their tension and frustration. The feelings still come but then I get to think through what to do with them.
So that's the update. Still praising Jesus!

Deliverance

I have been delivered of the spirits of anger, rage, manipulation and control. Plain and simple. I was afflicted by them for 13 years and now I'm not. Here's the story.
I have been delivered of demonic influence that affected my life four times prior to this deliverance experience (in similar dramatic fashion) so this is not entirely new to me. But it's been a few years since my last deliverance experience. I'm confident there have been more than 4 times of deliverance from demonic activity around my life and circumstances but to a lesser degree than I'm going to share about now.
All of you know that I have struggled with anger issues my whole married life. First they manifested mostly with Heath and then the more kids we added, the more out of control I felt, the more I was unable to keep in tact my controlled self that kept the anger from being directed at the kids. More and more I found myself reacting in anger, impatience, harsh words toward the kids. Not always but WAY more than I wanted (I wanted no anger and no yelling and no harsh words). All of these behaviors were magnified in my childhood experience and I remember the day as a little girl I told my mom I would never yell at my kids. She laughed and said, "It's impossible. You'll yell just like I do." In my heart, I vowed I would not succumb to this pattern and for a few years, I was able to hold it together only letting my anger and rage raise it's ugly head against Heath (for which I was also very remorseful.) But as this pattern increased in my parenting, I was haunted by my vow to break this generational cycle that was passed from my grandma to my mom and now to me.
I tried Bible studies on self control, getting rid of anger, anger management workbooks, parenting books, prayer, memorizing verses about our anger and its devastation in our lives and the lives of the ones we love, confessing my sins to my friends and fellowship groups and still no lasting victory. Over the last two years, since our lives have been more outwardly peaceful and stable, I have been able to implement more self control. But if all the conditions weren't right (lack of sleep, bad allergy day, bad eating day, schedule out of whack day, etc) my default was often yelling, impatience, and anger. It was better but not changed.
Earlier in January, I came to a Tuesday night prayer meeting feeling defeated and deflated and again asking for prayer for this issue in my life to be resolved, or whatever needed to happen in me. I have begged the Lord for freedom from anger for years now. For lots of those years, I thought the lack of freedom was my own fault. But in the last two years, I felt that I heard the Lord say to me, "Emie, I'm really not as worried about this as you are. I know your heart and you will be free." But every time I heard this from the Lord, I'd say, "BUT IN THE MEANTIME I"M RUINING MY KIDS!" I wasn't able to rest in the promise of the Lord that deliverance was coming. Now I wish I had. Still pressing forward for victory and deliverance, but resting in the promise that He was planning to do it!
So at the Tuesday night meeting, I was broken again before the Lord and my friends as I asked for prayer one more time. Jonelle came to me with a word that she felt this was more of a familial issue than my issue. In my heart I agreed but I still didn't have victory. The next week, we had visitors from Germany at our prayer meeting. I had a prophetic word for them that they were like a high speed train and could take people in the spiritual realm where they needed to go faster than they would get there otherwise. The following week, I found out they had training in deliverance prayer and were offering to pray for any of us who felt they needed deliverance.
Now, I'll be honest. Their style and maybe even a lot of their belief system, I wouldn't say I buy hook, line and sinker. But because I was so confident that the prophetic word I had for them was from the Lord and because Jonelle had JUST pointed out that the remaining issue of my anger problem was possibly generational stuff, the timing seemed to point to this being an opportunity I at least had to take.
With some trepidation, I made an appointment to have them pray for me with my friends Mike and Jonelle being there for support! After some worship, we started prayer and then they asked some questions and went after "things." For a large portion of it, I felt like I had no idea how to cooperate with what they were trying to get at (or out!) and though I really, really wanted to be free, I just didn't know if I was willfully hanging on to something or what. We took a break and I voiced my apprehensions and then we went at it again. Immediately, when she started praying the second time, I had a very vivid picture of my mom wrestling with something and trying to hold on to it, actually refusing to let it go. I shared the picture and then they went after generational issues, soul ties and things coming at me from my grandma and my mom. When they were done, I knew it was finished. I knew it. I felt it release and break off me. For the next week, I felt like I was missing part of me (the BAD part). I could see situations with the kids through different eyes. I started responding and not reacting (things I was TRYING DESPERATELY to implement but always felt like it was two steps forward pulling a ton of bricks and five steps back!). Now I could just do it. I felt like the little pipeline that was somehow connected to me from my mom and grandma that allowed generational demonic influence of anger, manipulation and control was finally disconnected and now I was simply ME! ME AND GOD!
I knew things were different and that FINALLY, after years and years of begging for freedom, I WAS FREE from the spirit of anger and control! Still I was tentative. I wanted to make sure this would last. Six weeks later, I am still walking out the freedom from the spirit of anger and control! I no longer feel the need to manipulate, control, or be angry at my family (where most all of the manifestations of these awful things came to the surface).
Next weekend, I get to speak at the women's tea. I'm speaking on our inheritance in Christ. Our inheritance in Christ is SALVATION, HEALING, DELIVERANCE, and much, much more. I am 100% convinced that this inheritance is just as much for this side of eternity as for the other side. But we must press in with faith and patience to inherit the promises. Heb 6:11. There are verses in Exodus where God says he heard the cries of the Israelites for 400 YEARS! Why did it take 400 years for the freedom to manifest? I don't know. But there was an appointed day of deliverance! In my life story, I have seen this happen over and over and over. I cry out for freedom, sometimes for years. . . often for long periods of time, and then there is an appointed day of deliverance! HE DOES IT and I'M FREE!!!!! I LOVE MY JESUS! THANK YOU, JESUS! And that's my most recent testimony of deliverance! To God be the glory!

Ponderings

Things filling my brain lately:

** Friendship evangelism, ie: just loving people, really loving them. All my beliefs about simply loving people to Jesus, really loving people without an agenda are being tested to the core. WAY more thoughts on this, maybe later.

** Deliverance: it's for the believer. For ME. I've recently had a deliverance experience that affirms my belief that believers can experience deliverance from demonic influence. I've experienced this in the past but it's been a few years. The fruit of the deliverance has been miraculous and maybe I'll share more on this later. I'm always open to questions if I don't get back to this in blog.

** God's timing in our freedom. He's really not in the hurry I'm in to get everything worked out! And when it's His timing. . . it just works out when I cooperate!

** Love stories, true stories, inspiring stories. I'm hooked on them right now. Maybe for a reason, maybe not.

** Seasons of life. In October, the Lord told me I was in a season of aging (like wine). Being the NOT wine expert that I am, I looked up what the aging process consists of. Very interesting, very insightful, feels right on in my life stage. More to say on this too. Are you surprised? :-)

** I'm preparing to speak at an Hispanic women's tea. Feeling inadequate with not much to say? YES. YES. YES. BUT, I AM confident that the Holy Spirit has something to say. Please pray I'll stay out of the way for Holy Spirit to speak! It's March 19th.

** TONS of crazy thoughts every Tuesday and Thursday after spending the day at our charter school with people from every walk of life (well, not quite every). The Lord has put four women directly on my heart and I've begun to build friendships with them. I truly love each of these women deeply and I know it's the love of the Lord. Please pray with me if you think of it. One woman is a lesbian who is due with her first baby in 2 weeks. I spent two weeks in deep sorrow when I found this out. I can only imagine it was the sorrow that comes from the heart of Jesus. One woman spent 10 years in an ashram (Hare Krishna) and has recently decided the hypocrisy and religiosity and heavy guilt of rules and regulations was not how she wanted to "know God." :-) One woman grew up Methodist, then Baptist, married a Jewish man, spent some time looking into Hare Krishna and currently thinks there's some higher being/God but can't imagine there's only ONE way to Him. But she said she's feeling compelled to share the true meaning of holidays such as Christmas with her kids. Her son is Judah's best friend and Judah frequently tells me of his very "Christian" conversations he's having with him! :-) The last woman is New Age and talks often of the Universe setting things up, etc. She had a nervous break down in past years. She recently went off her meds and is trying to cope without them. We have made good heart connections in a short period of time.

When I'm at home with time and space between me and the relationships, I'm confident I'm moving forward with the love of the Lord and obeying His voice in these precious frienships as He's intended. When I'm freshly outside of a conversation or interaction or day at the school, I'm bombarded with lies. Our prayer group prayed for me last week and I'm seeing this in a new "battle ground" way and really trying to have all the armor on before I walk into things.


I forgot how good it feels to share from my heart. To type away without wondering how it will be interpreted. Thanks for reading. But more importantly, thanks for loving and praying!

Enjoy

Long time no real post. So many thoughts swirling through my mind, lots of sick days snuggling on the couch, coughing our brains and swirling thoughts out!

The last couple weeks Heath and I have been discussing how neither of us take time to have fun. I think it stems from both of us being fairly driven, slightly perfectionistic, and very first bornish. (he he. . . like my new word?) As this is swirling through my head, I sensed the Lord telling me that I need to ENJOY my kids more thoroughly. I love spending time with my kids (though I'll be the first to admit that I crave weekends alone). I love home schooling them. I love doing enriching things with them. But I don't laugh enough. I don't simply enjoy who they are enough.

Enjoy: To take delight or pleasure in. I want my kids to grow up with the confidence and experiential knowledge that I take delight in THEM as individuals. I know how difficult it has been to believe that Jesus takes delight in me. Maybe if I can instill some tangible experiences within them, this won't be such a struggle for them. So my goal this month. . . ENJOY. One successful day down, 30 to go. By that time it's supposed to be habit, right?

Praying you ENJOY your people, your holidays, the beautiful things in your life. I'm trying.

My Song of the Year

Yesterday I turned 34. I had a beautiful 10-10-10 birthday! Had a fun birthday call at 10:10 on 10-10-10 from some friends, met with a girl I'm discipling in the morning, had a couple of peaceful hours at the park journaling my 33rd year while 2 hummingbirds zipped around me, came home to enjoy the rest of the day with my precious family, put them to bed and finished the day by watching my favorite movie, "EverAfter" with my Prince Charming. It was a perfect day. Thank you to all who sent birthday wishes! You make my life more full and rich.

This has been my favorite worship song for several weeks. As I listened to it yesterday, I decided it would be the theme song of my next year. I don't know what the year will hold, but this song details what I desire to do come struggle or joys. It's called "Love Came Down (If My Heart is Overwhelmed)" by Brian and Jenn Johnson on the album "Love Came Down."

If my heart is overwhelmed
And I cannot hear your voice
I'll hold on to what is true
Though I cannot see
If the storms of life they come
And the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith
I will believe

I remind myself of all that You've done
And the Life I have because of Your Son

Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours, I am forever Yours
Mountain high or valley low
I sing out remind my soul
I am Yours, I am forever Yours

When my heart is filled with hope
And every promise comes my way
When I feel Your hands of grace
Rest upon me
Staying desperate for You God
Staying humbled at Your feet
I will lift these hands and praise
I will believe

I am Yours I am Yours
All my days, Jesus, I am Yours

Quote of the Day

This is a section from a book by Graham Cooke called, "Qualities of a Spiritual Warrior." It's a bit long but has ministered to me and many others I have shared it with in the last couple weeks.



Pg 101-103
"If our spirituality matters, it matters most under pressure. The Lord is with us always; he never leaves us nor forsakes [Heb 13:5]. He is our rock, an ever present help in times of trouble [Psalm 27:5]. He lifts us up above our enemies [Psalm 27:6]. He sustains us. His willingness to help us is the foundation of our relationship with Him.
"Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
When we dwell on our circumstances, we become circumstantial. That is, we are drawn up in all of the tiny details of the situation, often telling Him things He already knows - like He is the child, and we are the parent - explaining everything. We try to develop peace in the situation. We attempt joy, but it mostly feels false. . .
We do not live in our circumstances, we live in Christ. Our capacity to receive depends on our position. We can sit in the circumstances or be seated in Christ in heavenly places. We cannot do both; so a choice is required.
When the Father draws us to Him, He seeks to separate us from our circumstances. That is why He tells us to come away into our prayer closet. We come into a confined space where we can confide in Him. A closet is restricted place where we are shut in with God and the enemy is restrained. We do not take our problems into the closet; we take our beliefs, our childlike simplicity, our uncomplicated trust. We come to worship and adore - to get into the face of Father and relax.
We need His strength in order to prosper. His nature is so inspirational; it strengthens us immeasurably. His delight is contagious, His joy unbounded. His peace is a deep, rhythmic rest that renews our mind. We feel lighthearted in His Presence. We joyfully cast all our cares onto Him.
In times of incredible assault, adversity and pressure, I have entered my secret place and become so confined with the Lord I forgot my reason for entry. I have discovered later that the enemy got tired of waiting around (he has no access to patience; it's impossible for him) and decamped.
Allow the Father to separate you from your circumstances Cast your cares on Him; then come away with Him. Let the Holy Spirit take you upwards to the Father. You are in Christ - you can go anywhere! In the place of intimate affection you receive a revelatory perspective that empowers you to be resourced from Heaven.
On earth a crisis is perceived as a threat to our well being. In Heaven it is an opportunity to discover something. The turning point for us is being confined with God - being in a space that He fully occupies. He surrounds us, fills us, overwhelms us. We are astonished, mesmerized. He lets us look through His eyes, feel His heartbeat. Joy becomes unconfined in that small space. We rejoice because His viewpoint is so amazing that we want to rush out of heaven into our circumstances and live out what we are seeing."

Did you know . . .

. . . I love growth. As I walk the irrigation roads behind our house, I am amazed by the miracle of growth through the seasons: rich, bare, milk chocolate brown fields eventually turn into beautiful uniform rows that will soon hold seeds that contain life waiting to burst forth.
As I was meditating on the beauty of the green cotton and corn plants reaching for the sun, I was reminded how much I love growth in people. I love growth in myself. I am not the same woman I was five or two or even one year ago. I am growing. There are seasons of dirt. But I am now confident that even my dirt has potential to turn into green, life giving beauty! I'm just cooperating with the Master Farmer. He knows when to let me sit as dirt, when to plow me up and prepare my heart, when to plant His seeds and when to water. I get the blessing of bearing the beautiful fruit, but it's only in cooperation with the hard work of the Farmer! Thank you, Jesus, for my growth and all the seasons that are necessary for beauty to break forth. I am so very pleased to be cared for by You!

Priorities

It's always good to step back occasionally and assess your life. I'm sure Heath thinks I do this WAY too often, as it is part of my type A, always trying to better myself, personality. I see it as not wanting to decompose!! I love to learn, I love to grow, even when it's painful.

Recently, I've been pondering the difference between "said priorities" and "actual priorities." As I'm looking at my life, I am realizing again, just how easy it is to let things take over that I don't really want to become priority. I say my kids and their education is priority, but how often do I let this computer have priority? I say that Jesus is my priority, but how much time compared to the time I give everything else am I really giving to Him? I say that my marriage is priority, but what am I actually doing to help it grow instead of simply settling for what it is and waiting for Heath to make changes?

So today, I'm really praying through my priorities. . . my actual priorities, and praising Jesus that his mercies are new every morning.

Quote of the Day

"What the world longs for from the Christian faith

is the witness of men and women daring enough to be different,

humble enough to make mistakes,

wild enough to be burnt in the fire of love,

real enough to make others see how unreal they are.

So Jesus, let Your word not shine in our hearts but let it burn.

Let there be no division, compromise or holding back...

goad us to that daredevil leap into the abyss of Your Love..."

~Brennan Manning

Funny Asher

I was rubbing Asher's back as he was falling asleep and he drowsily said, "Mom, when you're a grandma, will we get a new mom?"

It's funny what children think about and the connections they make. Makes me wonder how some of the questions I ask Jesus sound to Him! I bet He laughs time and again at all my attempts to put 2 and 2 together to make 3. Ahhh, but He loves me.

Personal Prayer Teams . . . Everyone needs one.

I am a firm believer in every person having their own prayer team in place. Why? Because God loves community and connectedness. He loves vulnerability and real relationship. He longs for us to be intimately connected to Him and to His Body.

Let's face it. It is far too easy to hide. It is far too easy, even for those involved in a church (big or small). It is far too easy, even for, and maybe especially for, those leading ministries. If we are all hiding from each other, putting on the happy face or ignoring those who can read through your happy face, where do we practice intimacy, true relationship, bearing each others burdens, walking with each other through messes, and love and forgiveness?

We started our personal prayer team almost 11 years ago. I have a small group of my closest friends who pray for my most intimate prayer needs and the messiest parts of me. I have a fairly large prayer team that covers us as we make our leaping decisions and are in battle for us on a regular basis. We try to be as vulnerable as possible with this group. We have an even larger group of people we don't know as well who are committed to praying for our family. I truly don't know how we would've ever made it through the last 6 years without them. We've learned how valuable this web of connectedness and friendship is. We've experienced the Lord speaking and leading us through these people in ways I simply cannot even describe in a post. It is the supernatural Body of Christ speaking to us, lifting us up, encouraging us, exhorting us. We are not alone. We are not an island.

I think every person needs a prayer team. No person is too insignificant. No issue too small to pray over. A prayer team helps you know you aren't alone in your marriage struggles, parenting struggles, work or life struggles. It's a safe place to share the wacky things rattling around in your brain that make you feel isolated and overwhelmed. And though I will pray for needs of ministries or missionaries that come in the form of lists and impersonal letters, it's even more invigorating praying for my friends. It's a privilege to hear and take the most intimate and personal needs of my friends to the throne of God. . . and then watch Him answer!

Start with a few of your closest friends who will love you no matter what you share. Ask them to be on your prayer team. Start sharing things with them to pray about . . . not gossip about, talk through until you're blue in the face, or try to fix. They are the ones you can text or email in the moment of struggle who will pray right now. There are days when I cannot get out of the fog in my head, or the condemnation, or the temptation. So I email my prayer team and literally within minutes, I can feel a change in the situation. Prayer works. Jesus hears us. Jesus answers.

Go ahead. Start your prayer team tonight. You won't regret it (unless, of course, you don't have any trustworthy, loving friends who will love you no matter what. :-) In that case, email me. I'll be your first prayer partner.)

I Thessalonians 5:17
"Keep on praying."

I Peter 1:22
"Now you can have sincere love for each other as brothers and sisters because you were cleansed from your sins when you accepted the truth of the Good News. So see to it that you really do love each other intensely with all your hearts."

Cleanse progress / Lessons of the Ladybug

I've got a million thoughts I'd love to process about the cleanse, what I'm learning, how the Lord is speaking to me through it and about it. But I don't have the time to formulate succinct posts or to ramble long enough to get the point out! Here is one story.

Sunday I had some alone time and was trying to worship and pray. It seemed my mind was in a fog and I couldn't get my spirit to just receive. I thought part of it was due to the cleanse and hives, both of which are distracting. Instead of fighting it, I simply lay face down in a patch of sunlight on the floor. A friend texted and reminded me that Jesus was always with me and I didn't have to work for or work up anything. So I rested in His Presence. He is with me.

As I was lying there, a little ladybug came sauntering into my view. I observed her for a long time. For several minutes she was trying to get somewhere, maybe in futility, maybe with direction. . . who could tell. Then all of a sudden, she stopped and began cleaning herself. It was fascinating to watch this delicate little bug clean her whole body. She took at least 15 minutes. Now in the lifespan of a bug, that's a LONG time to stop for a cleanse!

One of the things I have wrestled with in doing this cleanse is that I feel like it hinders my ability to rest in the Lord and pray and worship (detoxing has been brutal and my mind is captivated by what I'm supposed to be doing and eating or not eating). I've repeatedly asked the Lord if this is what I'm supposed to be doing right now even though physically, I am desperate for healing of these chronic hives and other issues I've battled for years. How does this line up with going deeper with the Lord and trusting him for healing?

As I watched the ladybug, I felt the Lord speaking to me. I sensed him say that taking time to cleanse is necessary for all His creation (even bugs)! I felt him reassure me that this time is beneficial and not a waste of time. I heard him say that He is the healer. Being responsible to do what I have learned could bring relief and healing to my body is not in opposition to trusting Him for healing. He reassured me that even though it may feel like I'm not going deeper, He is taking me deeper and this is part of it. When I step back, I can see how this is being accomplished, even though I can't feel it. Spiritually, He is dealing with lust of the flesh issues that I've battled with over food for years. Emotionally, He's putting his healing hands on areas of my heart that may have been the starting point of all my health issues. It's been a deep process, though not as fun as other times. Physically, I can feel things shifting in my health.

Bottom line, Jesus loves it when we live all of life for him, whether that's the heights of spiritual experiences or the nitty gritty of cleansing and healing. All in preparation!