Disequilabration here we come! The short story . . . . we are making plans to return to Pemba, Mozambique and Thursday we heard that we are welcome back there.
Long story. . . .It's too long. Summary, Heath has come to feel that all his business endeavors here have been a mixed priority attempt to make enough passive income to support our desire to serve the poor and needy around the world. He's done with that struggle and has decided he needs to do what his passions are, what he feels created for, and allow God to be Provider for all our passion and dreams to bring His Kingdom to the ends of the earth. But let me just make it known. . . I've IMMENSELY enjoyed bringing His Kingdom to the Central Valley in my little sphere of influence these last 5 years.
God has been shaping a desire and dream in Heath to bring small business endeavors to developing nations, working to bring sustainable living help and teaching and provision. Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime. I wish you could hear Heath talk about all the dreams he has for 3rd world nations, bringing practical answers alongside of the Presence and Power of the Spirit of God. Both are the Kingdom of God among us. And Iris Pemba seems to be our best inroad to seeing these dreams come to life. And. . . they would love to have us back. And. . . ALL of my kids are excited to go back, which is the biggest miracle to me.
How am I feeling about it all? I am absolutely ready to go anywhere in the world. . . . except back to Pemba!!!!! Why? Because I know what I'm going back to. There is no blind excitement and adrenaline rush that will carry us across the globe this time. And I know I didn't manage it well 6 years ago. Am I a changed enough woman to do it well this time? Do I know more of God. . . enough of God to be able to walk out my door and not feel like I'm going to be a puddle of overwhelming sadness because I just don't know what my part is in helping fight against this great big, gigantic evil called poverty that ravages these beautiful children and families that I can't even talk to because I can't speak their language? Can I do this? I am so desperate for more of Jesus you can't even imagine my desperation right now. And as I am typing these words the song, Set A Fire by The United Pursuit Band is playing and the tears are flowing. "I WANT MORE OF YOU GOD!"
Please don't misunderstand my raw emotion. I KNOW we are supposed to go back. It's just that until I make new memories and have new experiences, the 6 months I have stored up are full of feelings of failure or at the very least, feelings of inadequacy. I will still be inadequate. I will still be emotional. I will still have very little idea of how to manage the amount of pain and sadness and need that will be right outside my gate. But I have Jesus. And He says He is enough. He is more than enough. Are You? Are You really more than enough for every single orphan I will hug? Are you more than enough for the villages underwater right now? You are. I have to believe it. I have to believe it or I will die. And I have 5 years of growth and change and experiences of the love of God that I am PRAYING with all my heart is enough to give me the strength to live this next adventure out in wholeness instead of hanging on by the skin of my teeth.
So there are my raw thoughts after 2 1/2 days of knowing we are moving. If you want more of a glimpse of the words my heart are singing, The United Pursuit Band has an album called "Endless Years." Many of the songs are putting words to all my emotion.
It will be a good adventure. I know it deep in my spirit. Now I hope my mind will come around! :-)
Showing posts with label Transitions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Transitions. Show all posts
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Kids in transition
Kids transition just as roughly as adults. But often their processing comes out in weird or bad behavior and there is a tendency to simply crack down on discipline or ignore it completely. Here's what my kids look like in transition and it is down right HARD.
One of my kids ended up with a severe skin rash. I really think it's all the stress she is trying to process and it came out on her body. Ugh.
One of my kids gets extremely disrespectful and rude. Makes me want to go through the roof.
One of my kids has to go to the bathroom every two minutes and I am being literal.
So, what NOT to do with your kids in transition?
Try NOT to drop your schedule and routine even though your life feels like it's a whirlwind, tornado, or hurricane. If you do, as I did, you WILL end up in a hurricane.
Try NOT to be quick to discipline actions in a harsher way but instead take time to get to the heart of the behavior. . . it's most likely that the child is sad and unable to process all the changes in their little life.
Sunday night, I was at an overload, hurricane alert, disaster impending place as mommy and household manager. I called a family meeting and we all reinstated the routine. Ahhhh. Life is moving along considerably smoother. Other things have shifted as well, which I will be sharing in the near future. These shifts have brought more peace to the kids and myself. Looking back, I simply wish I could maintain structure and routine even when I'm in a whirlwind. So if you're in transition, or heading into transition, I'll pray you are able to do what I couldn't, for the sake of your kids.
One of my kids ended up with a severe skin rash. I really think it's all the stress she is trying to process and it came out on her body. Ugh.
One of my kids gets extremely disrespectful and rude. Makes me want to go through the roof.
One of my kids has to go to the bathroom every two minutes and I am being literal.
So, what NOT to do with your kids in transition?
Try NOT to drop your schedule and routine even though your life feels like it's a whirlwind, tornado, or hurricane. If you do, as I did, you WILL end up in a hurricane.
Try NOT to be quick to discipline actions in a harsher way but instead take time to get to the heart of the behavior. . . it's most likely that the child is sad and unable to process all the changes in their little life.
Sunday night, I was at an overload, hurricane alert, disaster impending place as mommy and household manager. I called a family meeting and we all reinstated the routine. Ahhhh. Life is moving along considerably smoother. Other things have shifted as well, which I will be sharing in the near future. These shifts have brought more peace to the kids and myself. Looking back, I simply wish I could maintain structure and routine even when I'm in a whirlwind. So if you're in transition, or heading into transition, I'll pray you are able to do what I couldn't, for the sake of your kids.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Verses of the Day
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
All praise to the God and Father
of our Lord Jesus Christ.
He is the source of every mercy
and the God who comforts us.
He comforts us in all our troubles
so that we can comfort others.
When others are troubled,
we will be able to give them the
same comfort God has given us.
All praise to the God and Father
of our Lord Jesus Christ.
He is the source of every mercy
and the God who comforts us.
He comforts us in all our troubles
so that we can comfort others.
When others are troubled,
we will be able to give them the
same comfort God has given us.
The context of this passage is really about suffering for Jesus and persecution. In no way do I believe I am suffering for Jesus as we are grieving and moving to a new place. But I do know one of the great attributes of God is his ability to comfort. And so, I will let him comfort me as I will then need to comfort my children and possibly many others I meet on my journey. Blessings to you today.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Tender Hearted Asher
I posted lasted night that the grieving has begun. As I sat in a puddle of tears in our quiet, peaceful home surrounded by night sounds of the country, I remembered. I remembered moving in. I remembered two years of highlights with the kids' birthdays and holidays with friends and family. I remembered many things.
And as I sat with Jesus' holding me close to his heart, I heard his heart beating for Asher. My tender, relational Asher. I've seen him enter a new stage of behavioral problems in the last month. At first I was passing it off as turning 5. Then I was passing it off on allergies and sickness that hit us. The last several days though, I've been wondering if it was about the move. Last night Jesus told me it was. So the grieving has begun for us all. And the thing about being a mom is that you don't get to grieve in solitude. You have the honor and challenge of leading all your little ones through healthy grieving and goodbyes. It a task not for the weak to be sure.
Today I have Asher and Ella all to myself. I love these times when I can focus on them as individuals rather than trying to corral the posse! The three of us snuggled on the couch at 6:30 AM (after the spilt milk and cereal was cleaned up, of course) and watched a cartoon. It happened to be a saddish cartoon. Somewhere in the middle, when the little puppy was missing his family, I could see Asher's eyes tearing up. Perfect opportunity to go deeper.
I gently probed about his feelings concerning the movie and then about moving.
"Are you sad about moving to another place?"
"Um hmm."
"What are you going to miss?"
"The Georges and Kelly." And the tears were rolling . . . for us both. It was a good cry, a good snuggle, and a good connection.
After a month of wanting move his room out to the barn, his behavior is back to my sweet, funny Asher. Giving myself permission to grieve allows me to give my children permission to grieve and to go through the process with them as much as they need me to (when I'm aware).
Oh and in case you're afraid our house will be under water from all the tears by the end of the next 3 months, not to worry. We don't cry ALL the time. Just when we feel it bubbling up to the surface. There will be happy remembering moments mixed in with the tears.
If you think of us, please pray for Jesus' arms to be tangible for us through this time.
And as I sat with Jesus' holding me close to his heart, I heard his heart beating for Asher. My tender, relational Asher. I've seen him enter a new stage of behavioral problems in the last month. At first I was passing it off as turning 5. Then I was passing it off on allergies and sickness that hit us. The last several days though, I've been wondering if it was about the move. Last night Jesus told me it was. So the grieving has begun for us all. And the thing about being a mom is that you don't get to grieve in solitude. You have the honor and challenge of leading all your little ones through healthy grieving and goodbyes. It a task not for the weak to be sure.
Today I have Asher and Ella all to myself. I love these times when I can focus on them as individuals rather than trying to corral the posse! The three of us snuggled on the couch at 6:30 AM (after the spilt milk and cereal was cleaned up, of course) and watched a cartoon. It happened to be a saddish cartoon. Somewhere in the middle, when the little puppy was missing his family, I could see Asher's eyes tearing up. Perfect opportunity to go deeper.
I gently probed about his feelings concerning the movie and then about moving.
"Are you sad about moving to another place?"
"Um hmm."
"What are you going to miss?"
"The Georges and Kelly." And the tears were rolling . . . for us both. It was a good cry, a good snuggle, and a good connection.
After a month of wanting move his room out to the barn, his behavior is back to my sweet, funny Asher. Giving myself permission to grieve allows me to give my children permission to grieve and to go through the process with them as much as they need me to (when I'm aware).
Oh and in case you're afraid our house will be under water from all the tears by the end of the next 3 months, not to worry. We don't cry ALL the time. Just when we feel it bubbling up to the surface. There will be happy remembering moments mixed in with the tears.
If you think of us, please pray for Jesus' arms to be tangible for us through this time.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Transitions
I've kept away from personal posts lately, not really on purpose. I realized this as I skimmed my recent posts. Some of it has been purely busyness, parenting, potty training troubles, and Easter preparations. And some of it has been because my heart is in transition.
It's incredible that I have forgotten how transition feels after having so many throughout our short 11 1/2 years of marriage. It's all coming back to me like a flood. Grieving. I have never lost a loved one, so I'm not speaking of grieving like that.
Early on in our journey I realized a few things about myself in transition. Whether it was preparing for the birth of a child, moving to a new apartment, moving from a beloved job, moving into strangers' home, moving out of dear friends' home, moving to Africa, coming home from Africa to no "home" of our own, or landing in Strathmore, California, these all created deep and lonely times of grieving. But through it all, I have learned that if I don't grieve what I'm saying goodbye to, I cannot fully embrace what I'm moving into. And I want to live in the present wherever I am, not in the past trying to hold on to something because I didn't grieve well.
So my grieving has begun. Through all the potty training problems, I didn't realize that part of my emotional tension was partly because the grieving has started. I came to peace with the potty training issue about 3 days ago. It was at that point, I started to feel the sadness of leaving. I know it's 3 months away, but I always start feeling this around this period of time before a major change.
Tears are on the verge even now. Not sure what my posts will look or feel like over the next several months. I will try to give real glimpses into this transition and my heart. This is what I know. I have to grieve. I want to grieve. I want good closure so that I can embrace and enjoy our next season. So dear friends who live close to me, be prepared for tears. And don't stress out about them . . . I'm not. I just need to cry. I just need to feel. I just need a hug. The grieving has begun.
It's incredible that I have forgotten how transition feels after having so many throughout our short 11 1/2 years of marriage. It's all coming back to me like a flood. Grieving. I have never lost a loved one, so I'm not speaking of grieving like that.
Early on in our journey I realized a few things about myself in transition. Whether it was preparing for the birth of a child, moving to a new apartment, moving from a beloved job, moving into strangers' home, moving out of dear friends' home, moving to Africa, coming home from Africa to no "home" of our own, or landing in Strathmore, California, these all created deep and lonely times of grieving. But through it all, I have learned that if I don't grieve what I'm saying goodbye to, I cannot fully embrace what I'm moving into. And I want to live in the present wherever I am, not in the past trying to hold on to something because I didn't grieve well.
So my grieving has begun. Through all the potty training problems, I didn't realize that part of my emotional tension was partly because the grieving has started. I came to peace with the potty training issue about 3 days ago. It was at that point, I started to feel the sadness of leaving. I know it's 3 months away, but I always start feeling this around this period of time before a major change.
Tears are on the verge even now. Not sure what my posts will look or feel like over the next several months. I will try to give real glimpses into this transition and my heart. This is what I know. I have to grieve. I want to grieve. I want good closure so that I can embrace and enjoy our next season. So dear friends who live close to me, be prepared for tears. And don't stress out about them . . . I'm not. I just need to cry. I just need to feel. I just need a hug. The grieving has begun.
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